Sharing My Story
I have always found power in sharing my story. Social media has been an incredible platform for bringing my writing to a larger audience. Below are some samples of my work.
Making me happy today: this bruise.
I've had symptoms of chronic illnesses since I was 8, and it was another 4 years before I was diagnosed with Crohn's. That was half of my little life repeatedly pleading that I wasn't exaggerating or feigning pain for attention, but that it was real and really hurt. It instilled in me the need to "prove my case" whenever I felt pain.
I thus found peace of mind in fevers and other external representations of what I was feeling internally. It was something I could point to as "proof" to say "see? I am hurting."
Decades later, I still use this "skill" when advocating for myself to doctors, forever fighting to be believed.
Recently, I realized this has rubbed off on how I treat myself. All weekend my hands were useless, triggered by a panic attack that lead to an autoimmune response. Logically, I know this. I know the diagnoses I have been given, I know my triggers, I know the sequence of events. Yet still, I felt lazy, unproductive, and useless.
When this bruise formed in the weirdest part of the inside of my palm, it was my "proof" of my body attacking itself. Physically I didn't feel better, but emotionally I felt validated. Which is strange because I spent the entire weekend alone. There was no one calling me lazy, no one saying they didn't believe me. It was all me, trying to prove something to myself that I already knew.
So why does this bruise make me happy? Because I'm making this the last time I feel the need to prove something to myself. I'm going to work on tuning out the roaring voices in the medical industry telling me they know best, and instead trust what I feel and what I know.
I've always been right about my body, now it's time to let that be the only opinion I need. This is the last picture I take to show myself later, the last time I doubt myself. Instead of this bruise symbolizing "proof," it represents a new phase of believing myself. And that brings me the biggest sigh of relief.